My Sanity Is Just Fading Away

It feels like the things I do everyday reminds me of the past somehow. Friendship for instance. I remember years ago...I was the most quiet girl you'd ever know. I barely spoke, you could almost take me as a mute kid. Though, I was a good child & obeyed all rules. My lack of socializing made me lonesome. And you know, kids thought it was weird as hell to be that quiet.So of course, they'd do pranks on you, make you look even more bad, or make fun of your little flaws. I lived through it, but it seemed like I started socializing & realizing the truth about "friends" at a late time. Making friends, I'm still not all that good at. I kinda blame the past for that.
Friendship problems are the worst. It makes me think about the old times how I had no real friends but I felt safe & ohkay, didn't need to deal with friendship issues. Of course no one wishes to be lonely the way I was. My childhood makes me what I am and the mistakes I've done are connected too...
"Forgive sounds good, Forgive I'm not sure I could. Time heals everything, but I'm still waiting. Doubts are what I'm through with. I've paid a price & still will. But I'm not ready to make nice."

So I'm wondering to myself, as I'm sitting here alone...Should go back to being the girl who was strange, alone & didn't have much stress? She was that part of me who concentrated on school & didn't have to lift a finger for anyone but her family. I could use that, to strictly concentrate on school & the academics. I could probably have a better chance in reaching my goals.My world wouldn't feel too vivid, a bit gray.Though, it IS lonely at the top so yeah...Or should I stay being myself, the way I am but just tweak my personality a bit? I speak my mind & be honest. I do things for people which involves with sacrificing some things. I'd spend my time with people, make friends, interact, etc. But choosing this would mean there will be those who'll try bringing me down & emphasizing ever flaw & mistakes made for dumbass reasons. Meaning more drama, more stress to deal with.
"Is happiness what you must trade for life? It sure doesn't seem to be worth the price." At the same time I can't say being my old self would do any good, mentally. Plus I was only like that when I was younger. As people grow up, things change & might not exactly have to do with anything else but time itself.

I don't know. I just feel like everyday if there's happiness in my heart, it never lasts but it dies off quickly. I never truely was happy like that, not a long term type of happiness at least. But sometimes I just fake a smile as if I'm ohkay. Though that doesn't mean this method is used in every type of situation. I just don't want anyone to worry about me. I'm just burden.